NOTE: Just have to say, I thank all of you who have faved/'watched' me for my art. You don't know how much this makes me happy. XD THANK-YOU!!

--AND... Just got 'Reign of Starscream'.... I LOVE IT!!!

Huge changes are happening, which seem to be having me around in circles, in dark places (emooo! >D ), in stress filled environments. I’m warning you now… this is sort of a rant, so don’t even bother to read this if you hate complaining, heh-heh, I don’t mean to, but I feel like I need to express it someway. ;__;

I’m actually scared about moving to another country. New language, new culture, different education system- far from friends, worrying about school and where I’ll be going and how I’m going to be able to manage it. I suppose I shouldn’t really fret about it, but I am afraid. It’s been a few stressful months- and that’s why I haven’t really sent anything, or why I haven’t made any pretty pictures. Just a whole bunch of icky feelings that suck my energy away. What seems to suck even more is the fact that- it’s probably, very likely that I won’t be able to continue my wrestling dreams in this country.

Spiritually its havoc. I want to get baptized, but I personally want to make it special (in the inside at least). I want to be able to make a better commitment, a better connection to the dude up there in the sky. Seems like we don’t communicate anymore, what was there is seemingly lost and it feels so lonely inside myself. I guess its shame, I just can’t seem to accept the fact of the whole forgiveness thing- or at least, I have a hard time with it. I feel like I should be reprimanded because I keep on making the same mistake- no matter what I always seem to fall again for the same reason, right when I’ve been doing fine with it too. Just drowning further and further into my own muck bed. Yuck- does it every ‘stink’. I hope he’s still hanging around though…

Just seems like throughout the time of my whole existence- I’m always short a few steps to success. Never satisfied, never complete- I hate being depressed about it, but it seems so heavily ‘stitched’ inside. What else seems to be wrong are my irrational fears. I don’t know why- sometimes it’ll be during the night, or in the morning, but I suddenly become sick because of the things I fear. Irrational fears that I know I know- but it’s like I have no control over them. Just seems like the nightmares are getting worst (probably from stress, bleh! >.<’ ), and it’s the irrational fear of being stuck in them. Isn’t that silly? It happened to me several times… and those were the most fearful times of my life. I try to fight, but it’s overpowering. What is it? Am I just going crazy? It’s the most insane feeling ever… just white, pitch white fear breaking through every barrier from my being. The maddening sensation crawling over.

Before I freak any of you out too much, I think I’ll just stop there. That’s enough ranting, the usual blabbering nonsense. Have to think POSITIVE THOUGHTS mer, POSITIVE. >>’ I think I’ll sing to Bob Marley’s ‘Everything’s going to be alright’ right now. [I forget the actual title to that song, heh ]

~Sincerely yours, Del Carmen.